i always thought people who sit around and wonder about their "path" in life, trying to "focus on myself", discover "thy-self" are self-centered, self-indulging...weasels. and, i lost just a little bit respect for my skeptical self when that same thought popped into my head.
everyone is moving on, or simply just moving. i suppose there's nothing i can do to help it. most people, well, let me rephrase that, everyone i know who has left or is planning on leaving, are leaving for good. for the better. this sad excuse of a family-friendly town has finally wore us out. they chose life!
it's great to have a plan, or at least a start on one. i am going back and forth, back and forth on what i should do. should i apply this year? should i wait? If i do go on, there's no turning back. or i really would like not to have to turn back one more round. while it's true that it's never too late for anything, really, time still doesn't go backwards. i'd rather be "on time" if given the choice. "on time" for all the things we are supposed to do. i guess technically i was "on time" for all my "social" rites of passages, graduation, marriage, job. it still felt like a dead end. everyone but me seems to be hopeful about my future. i do feel lost. rob always asks me do the thing that i would do if money is no object. what if the answer to that question is... nothing. whom exactly am i afraid to disappoint? at some point that line seems gray to me, i am so used to feeling disappointed in myself when i think i have disappointed someone else. is it me?
i hear women say all the time to their kid, "when i had you, my life was complete." so what? a screaming, pooping baby is the answer to everything? i suppose it's smart move, who can argue with the best "excuse" in the world? it's such a tempting escape for me, just have a baby. then my mind and all my time would be occupied, i won't have time or the energy to worry about myself when there's someone else to worry about.
we all admire people who dare to be different, who dare to stride around living the life we were taught not to live. but almost everyone in this "category" still finds it hard to continue their stubborn streak. are they really happy and carefree like the they paint themselves to be? or is it just a front to put up to shut everyone up?
everyone is moving on, or simply just moving. i suppose there's nothing i can do to help it. most people, well, let me rephrase that, everyone i know who has left or is planning on leaving, are leaving for good. for the better. this sad excuse of a family-friendly town has finally wore us out. they chose life!
it's great to have a plan, or at least a start on one. i am going back and forth, back and forth on what i should do. should i apply this year? should i wait? If i do go on, there's no turning back. or i really would like not to have to turn back one more round. while it's true that it's never too late for anything, really, time still doesn't go backwards. i'd rather be "on time" if given the choice. "on time" for all the things we are supposed to do. i guess technically i was "on time" for all my "social" rites of passages, graduation, marriage, job. it still felt like a dead end. everyone but me seems to be hopeful about my future. i do feel lost. rob always asks me do the thing that i would do if money is no object. what if the answer to that question is... nothing. whom exactly am i afraid to disappoint? at some point that line seems gray to me, i am so used to feeling disappointed in myself when i think i have disappointed someone else. is it me?
i hear women say all the time to their kid, "when i had you, my life was complete." so what? a screaming, pooping baby is the answer to everything? i suppose it's smart move, who can argue with the best "excuse" in the world? it's such a tempting escape for me, just have a baby. then my mind and all my time would be occupied, i won't have time or the energy to worry about myself when there's someone else to worry about.
we all admire people who dare to be different, who dare to stride around living the life we were taught not to live. but almost everyone in this "category" still finds it hard to continue their stubborn streak. are they really happy and carefree like the they paint themselves to be? or is it just a front to put up to shut everyone up?
No comments:
Post a Comment